Baby Bottle
by Renneme
Summary: ...Warning: Many sexual jokes, ages 15 up...
1. The Beginning Harry's Wish

Baby Bottle

Chapter 1

Author's Note: Here is the first chapter of what I hope will be a series. This idea popped into my head last night. Also, THESE ARE JOKES. Don't be offended because I call Harry "gay" or something like that; I am a huge fan. Now, on to the story!

Harry walks into a gay nightclub

Ron follows

Guy walks onto stage

Guy: Today we will label the gay of the month! You will receive this pretty crown. points to flavored condom

Everyone looks at each other

Guy: IT'S A CROWN WORSHIP IT! pulls out gun

Harry: Just get on with the story!

Guy: Right. cough puts away gun

Guy: The gay of the month is... SHEAMUS FINNIGAN!

Sheamus: fans his face with his hand as tears run down his face, then grabs the condom and pushes Guy off the stage

grabs microphone

Sheamus: Like oh my god like I like never ever thought like I'd get like this big of an honor! Like, wow! starts bawling EVERYONE LOVES ME!

everyone backs away from stage

Sheamus: fans face C'mon Neville! stuffs condom in pocket, grabs Neville Longbottom and drags him into the back room

moaning sounds are heard a few moments later, as everyone stares

Sheamus screams

Sheamus: YOU BIT ME!!

Guy: climbs back on stage Well, now that's over, enjoy the PenisCutoffs as they perform their new hit song, "Dildo Paradise". walks off stage and crossdressers replace him on stage and start singing

Harry: sulks I wish I was the gay of the month. I wouldn't even mind being Gay of the Day.

Slytherin Boy: See, John! I KNEW IT! I KNEW THAT SCAR WAS A SEX INJURY!

Ron and Harry: stares

Harry: "HUMPY DILDOEY!"

Slytherin Boy: Runs outside and starts humping girl passerby But, I'M NOT STRAIIIIIIIIT! NOOOO!

Harry and Ron: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: stops laughing and coughs up a hairball Turns around

Ron: puts hand on Harry's shoulder Don't worry, Harry. Who cares if everyone knows your secret?

Harry: peels a banana What?

Harry: picks up and opens waterbottle takes drink

Waterbottle: You have sucked me! Harry and Ron look at each other For that VERY, Very, very... GREAT pleasure... Harry and Ron exchange dirty looks ... you get one wish.

Ron: WOW! One wish! pokes Harry Are ya gonna get me some chicken strips? Huh? Huh?

Harry: punches Ron Turns to Watterbottle Hmm... I know!

Watterbottle: pulls out wand that suspiciously looks like a wooden dildo

Harry: I WISH I HAD HUGE KNOCKERS!

Watterbottle: takes dildo out of his mouth : DONE!

Harry: immediately grows giant boobs looks down YAHOO! feels them

Random Guy: pokes Harry's new boobs Those are so obviously fake...

Harry: I have big plans for these....

Watterbottle: I think I deserve a thank y- is stepped on my a stampeding Harry

Harry: runs outside and grabs random Random Straight Guy

RSG: Wanna get a room?

Harry: Definitely.

Harry and Random Straight Guy: walks into a hotel room

Harry and Random Straight Guy: are making out. RSG takes off shirt and then slips off Harry's

Random Straight Guy: moans puts hand down Harry's pants

Random Straight Guy: face expression changes from dirty to confused Uh, whatsurname.... Uh... what's this??

A/N: Please review! I need at least 5 positive reviews to post the next chapter!

NEXT CHAPTER PREVIEW:

Hermione finds the waterbottle!


	2. Ron's Wish

Baby Bottle

A/N: Sorry 'bout that first chapter, the stars around the actions didn't show up...

AND...

I WON'T POST AGAIN IF YOU GUYS DON'T REVIEW!

Chapter 2

-Ron's Wish-

-Ron walks up next to Harry, who is still feeling his new breasts-

Ron: -pokes Harry's boobs-

Harry: -growls and tries to bite Ron-

Ron: -backs away and stands next to Hermione-

Ron: -looks at Hermione, who is also feeling her boobs-

Ron: Uh, Hermione? What are you doing?

Hermione: -Continues rubbing- I'm pregnant!

Ron: -backs away- Who's the father?! And... -moves her hands from her boobs to her stomach-

Hermione: -looks at her hands- Oh, that's a refief! I thought I was having twins and those two were... well... -cough- anyway, the father is... Snape, I think.

Ron: -chokes- SNAPE?!

Hermione: -rubs chin- Or, it could be Dumbledore... or perhaps Flitwick... or-

Ron: -falls down- -walks away- -walks into the Great Hall-

Ron: -sits next to Harry- Hermione's pregnant!

Harry: I know. I think it's Snape. Or, it could be Dumbledore... or perhaps Flitwick... or-

Ron: NEVERMIND! –picks up watterbottle- -takes a drink-

Watterbottle: Once again, we meet.

Ron: WOW! A TALKING WATTERBOTTLE!

Watterbottle: -bites Ron- DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?!

Ron: No.

Watterbottle: Well, then nevermind. Your very talented sucking –Harry chuckles- earns you one wish.

Ron: WOW! A free wish... maybe I should get chicken...

Harry: -hits Ron upside the head-

Ron: OW! No wait, that gives me an idea! I WISH THAT HERMIONE'S BABY IS AN EXACT REPLICA OF ME!

Neville: You mean a clone?

Ron: Ice cream cone?! WHERE?!  
  
Watterbottle: Done! –dildo wand makes poofing sounds- Now I'll leave. –grabs mini suitcase and walks away-

Ron: BYE! –whispers to Harry- Who was he?

Ron: -moves next to Hermione- So, when ya gonna have my clone?

Hermione: Ya know... I DON'T know... I found out about 9 months ago...

-baby falls out of Hermione's skirt-

Hermione: Well, that solves that.

Ron: -grabs baby and gives it steroids-

Clone Ron: I AM FREE! Wait, who are you? Are you a mirror? STOP MOCKING ME! –pokes Ron in the eye-

Ron: Nice.

-A few months later-

Ron: NEVILLE, IT'S ONLY 700 POUNDS! GET IT HERE!

CR: MUAHAHAHA!

Ron: Let's conquer the west next!

Hermione: -another baby falls out of her skirt-

A/N: PLEASE review! I won't post the next chapter without reviews!


	3. Hermione's Wish

Baby Bottle

Chapter 3

"Hermione's Wish"

A/N: Review people! I need AT LEAST 2 REVIEWS TO CONTINUE POSTING!

Hermione: -holding her new, 2nd baby- It's time for your feeding! –picks up bottle-

Baby: Fluck ooh! Booo!

Hermione: -holds up bottle- See? It's yummy milk! –takes a sip to show baby-

Watterbottle: Ah, yes. The last of the three main characters.

Hermione: Aaaah! Possessed watterbottle! –drops it-

Watterbottle: No you dimwit. I'm a good, magical watterbottle.

Hermione: Oh. AAH! GOOD MAGICAL WATTERBOTTLE!

Watterbottle: Shut up! And now... finally... a GIRL to suck me...

Hermione: -faints and stands back up-

Watterbottle: -cough- So, anyway... now you get one wish. Like Ron and Harry.

Hermione: Like who?

Watterbottle: -hits self on head- NEVERMIND! MAKE A FISKING WISH!

Hermione: Well, I am sick of hearing these DUMB CRYING BABIES! –throws baby into the refrigorator- I need a better sound to hear than whining... I know!

I WISH EVERYONE SANG ABOUT ME WHEN I WALK NEAR THEM!

Watterbottle: -pulls out condom covered dildo wand- um, wait... -takes condom off and throws it at unconsious baby- -waves and poofs wand-

Hermione: COOL! Did it work?

Watterbottle: I dunno... since I'd be FORCED to sing when you walk past me, try it!

Harmione: Okay! –walks past Watterbottle-

Watterbottle: -singing- You look like a pig!

Hermione: WHAT?!

Watterbottle: Sorry, I couldn't control my lips! Try it again.

Hermione: -walks past Watterbottle again-

Watterbottle: -singing- You're ungly, ding ding!

Hermione: -chokes Watterbottle-

Watterbottle: -between gasping breaths- Your boobs are too small,

You look like you should have balls

The hair on your lip

Makes me so very sick-

Hermione: -steps on watterbottle and walks out-

Watterbottle: So kill me dilly philly.... Aw, who cares...

-LATER, IN THE HALLS OF HOGWRTS-

Hermione: -walking down the hall-

Draco: Dumb dumb dumb dumb!

Crabbe: That is what you are!

Goyle: DUMB DUMB, DUMB DUMB!

Parvati: Pig snout is your nose!

Lavender: You're dirty, spray you with a hose!

All: LET'S BURN HER DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Hermione: BUSNERO DALIENDO! –school starts on fire- MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! –coughs up hairball- Ow...

Everyone: -running in circles- She made us all burn! Now it's her turn! When will she learn?

Draco: I see her all day,

And all I can say

I am sick

I cut off my dick

Cause she sucked it

Last night in the dumgeon....

Hermione: -stabs Draco-

Draco: -dying- thank you

Thank you

This life with her is poo....

Harry: -walks out of Potions classroom- Hermione, what.... –strange expression- All her hair's on her back, school won't she slack, die die die die, then cut her up to 3 of a slice, face like a pie, vagina, must die...

Hermione: -collapses-

Watterbottle: -still scrunced from when Hermione stepped on it- WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Harry: -still singing- Her small stupid mind her face of slime set Hogwarts on fire You're fired!

Watterbottle: -stare- What the heck does that mean?

Harry: -snaps out of it- Nevermind.

Hermione: I know how to put the fire out!

Harry: Why do you wanna put it out if you started it?

Hermione: Cause... well.... I'm.... star... er... hero... well, shut up.

Hermione: I'm still nursing my new baby, so.... –pulls out boobs and puts out the fire by spraying it with milk- TA DA!

A/N: Yes, very stupid. REVIEW!


End file.
